Ujian buat yang bergelar insan.

Allahurabbi.

Pagi tadi, bangun nak pergi kelas. Dalam kekalutan nak pergi kelas, terdetik dihati untuk log in facebook. (Tak pernah pun log in facebook pagi-pagi sebelum pergi kelas walaupun guna handphone)

Allahurabbi.

Tersentap bila terbaca satu post daripada seorang sahabat.

"Assalamualaikum semua. Mak kepada seorang sahabat kita .......................... (nama dirahsiakan) telah kembali ke rahmatullah subuh tadi. sama2 kiter sedekahkan Al Fatihah untuk mak sahabat kiter.. semoga mak ......... (nama dirahsiakan)  ditempatkan di kalangan orang2 yg beriman.. Al-fatihah.. "

Hiba. Sayu. Sedih. Berbaur-baur rasa dihati.

Moga ALLAH ampunkan dosa ibunya dan tempatkan di kalangan hamba-Nya yang beriman dan soleh. Pasti ibunya bangga dikurniai anak yang soleh sepertinya. InsyaAllah. Amiinn.  :)

 Perasan aku waktu itu sukar ditafsir. Beberapa minggu yang lalu, pagi Isnin, aku dikejutkan dari tidur dengan berita "Dik 'a, Mak takdak dah." setelah 12 jam aku tinggalkan Mak dan rumah.

Penat perjalanan sebentar tadi belum hilang dengan hanya 2 jam tidur, kini dikejutkan dengan berita yang menyentap jiwa. Dengan pakaian yang sama, disambar beg baju, dicampak ke dalam kereta sebelum pulang semula ke rumah untuk bertemu Mak buat kali terakhir.

Teringat kata-kata Abang dalam perjalanan balik, saat airmata menemani perjalan sejauh 5 jam itu, "Sabaq. Kita balik nak tengok Mak. Sabaq. Mak sihat dah. Mak tunggu kita." Kata-kata yang sama Mak ucapkan kepada Abang saat Mak bawa Adik pulang ke rumah buat kali terakhir. "Pun, bangkit, tengok adik sihat dah ni. Adik balik dah." Saat itu, Adik sudah pergi tinggalkan kami semua, 21 tahun yang lalu.

Siapa yang merasai kehilangan, pastinya dia memahami rasa itu. Kerana yang telah pergi itu, tak mungkin akan kembali. Hanya doa penyambung kita yang masih hidup dengan dia yang telah pergi.

Semoga ALLAH mencucuri rahmat ke atas roh mereka yang pergi sebelum kita. InsyaAllah. Jangan putus doa dan sedekah untuk mereka. Kerana mereka menantinya di sana.

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Akhir kata, teruskan berdoa untuk penumpang dan krew MH370. Semoga semuanya selamat dan ALLAH lindungi semuanya. Semoga MH370 kembali dna dijumpai. InsyaAllah, ameen. :)

This is for you, Mom. I love you.

Each days, when i was tired at the end of the day with classes, bedside teaching, running all over the wards searching for patients to be clerk for bedside teaching, waiting for procedure,  i really want to talk to someone. Some day, i pick up my phone, searching for my Mom's phone number and about to call her when i suddenly realized that she's no longer with us.

In each difficult day, i really want to talk to her. But, i knew that i can't. 

In the past 7 years being a way from home, stayed in hostel, i will called her almost everyday. Talked non-stop, telling her everything that happened on that day.

Someday, i really want to call her and talk to her saying, "Mak, susah la belajaq medic", "Mak, penatnya hari ni", "Mak, hari ni masuk OT, tengok orang bersalin", "Mak, tadi ada doktor marah", "Mak, tadi ada kelas. Doktor cakap macam ni, macam tu", "Mak, tadi cheq keluaq makan dengan kawan, nampak baju cantik. Tak beli pun. Ni rasa rugi pulak. Nanti nak p cari la", "Mak, nanti cheq nak exam. Mak doakan eh. Takutlah lah nak exam. Banyak lagi tak study." "Mak, exam tadi susah lah. Tak tau lah macam mana result nanti" and others.

When i passed the exam, she was happier more than i am. When i cried as i did fail, she's the one that said to me, "Takpa lah. Takdak rezeki. Usaha lagi. Nanti ALLAH bagi ganjaran lagi baik." 

She always smile no matter what happened to her. But, since she sick, about 1 month before she leaved us, i never see her smile anymore. I rarely can talk to her. But, she always said to me even when she was in pain, "Kakak belajaq elok-elok. Belajaq rajin-rajin. Jangan pikiaq pasai Mak. Balik kolej, belajaq. Mak takpa."

In the past 5 years, when i was decided to do Medicine, by her will, she's the one that support me. Even when i tired of study, even when i found that it difficult for me, even when i failed my exam. She never doubted me, never scolded me, never disappointed with me and never argue what i'm doing. She trusted me so much. She listened to all my complained. She always comforted me when i was down when i'm not doing well in exam.

With exam just in 3 months time, she leaved me. Because ALLAH had said so. She is my strength, she is my pillar of support, she is my motivation, she is the one that made me stand in this 5 years. She really want to see me graduating, be a doctor, treat her, and success.  

For you Mom, i really wanna you to be here now. I want to talk to you again. I want to see you again. I want to go home with the feeling of 'going home'. I want you. I want to hug you and say "Mak, cheq sayang Mak. Nanti Mak mai amik cheq bila cheq habis belajaq. Nanti Mak mai tengok cheq konvo."

p/s: With ALLAH will, i had been here. ALLAH had chose me to be here. And, surely, i am here because of ALLAH and evrything that i did because of ALLAH. My Mom, is another reason for me to keep standing in this world. And, of course because of my Dad too. 

It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder

"Raise your words, not your voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder"

I don't understand the way people teach using harsh words. What would you expect from others if you raise your words to teach? It never goes into the brain. It keep others away from you.

Mak, she taught me for 24 years of how to life the live. How to undergone difficulty. How to face difficult time in life. How to manage time. And everything. But, she used nice and polite word. Never rose her voice. Never shouted at us. Never said bad words, and she even hate people saying bad words to their children.

I was not raise in a condition in which "bodoh", "idiot", "gila" is a routinely said.

But, being involved with others, this is what i got.

Why must you say that?
Why should you raise your voice?
Why you need to scold others with no solid reason?
Why you suddenly shout at people? 

I really don't understand this kind of environment. I am vulnerable currently with the losing of my Mom recently. And, i feel so sad with this environment. It made me wanted to escape and run away from this.

Please, when you talk, talk nicely. Think what others might feel if you are in their shoes. Just sit in a corner, and think for a minute. Reflect yourselves.

Pesan Mak

Pesan Mak:

1. Jangan lupa sembahyang, jaga sembahyang.
2. Belajaq rajin-rajin.
3. Kalau tak tau nak buat keputusan, buat sembahyang istikharah, minta petunjuk dari Allah.
4. Doa banyak-banyak.
5. Sabaq.
6. Buat qheja ikhlas kerana Allah.
7. Jangan putus asa. 

Ya Allah, rindunya. Banyak lagi pesan Mak. Di tiap kali telefon Mak, ngadu dekat Mak. Di setiap kali borak ngan Mak.

Tak terhitung pesan Mak.

Moga aku jadi anak solehah, yang mendoakan kesejahteraan Mak. Moga aku berjaya, capai cita-cita Mak yang diamanahkan untuk aku.

Moga aku redha.

Rindu

Rindu.

Terlalu.

Tak tertanggung oleh hati.

Perit. Perit rasa di hati saat rindu itu hadir.

Sakitnya menanggung rindu ini. Bila rindu ini tak mampu dilepaskan.

Kerana dia yang dirindui kini telah pergi menemui pencipta-Nya.

Semoga tenang dikau di sana wahai ibu. Ampunkan dosa-dosaku dari saat aku lahir hingga akhir hayatmu. Maafkan aku jika tak mampu menjadi anak yang solehah buatmu, jika tak mampu menjagamu dengan baik. Maaf jika aku tak mampu tunaikan permintaanmu. 

Rindu. Terlalu dalam.

22 hari Mak pergi buat selamanya, rindu ini semakin kuat. Semakin hari semakin rindu.

22 hari aku tidak mendengar suara Mak. Rindunya nak dengar suara Mak. Rindu Mak.

Wahai wanita

Biar dirimu tidak dipandang penduduk bumi tetapi dipandang mulia oleh penduduk langit. 

Wahai wanita,
Letakkanlah dirimu serendah mutiara di dasar lautan.
Tidak terlihat tetapi dicari.
Jauh di dasar tetapi mahal harganya.
Terlindung dari dicemari.

Wahai wanita,
Letakkanlah dirimu seperti mawar yang segar berkembang.
Dipandang tetapi terpelihara.
Cantik mekar tapi durinya bisa menusuk tiap yang ingin mendekati.
Hanya dia yang benar-benar layak mampu menyuntingmu.

Wahai wanita,
Dirimu itu mahal harganya.
Padamu terletaknya syurga seorang anak.
Padamu letaknya kekuatan dunia.
Padamu lahirnya seorang pejuang, seorang khalifah, seorang pemimpin.
Padamu terletaknya masa depan suatu bangsa.

Jadi, mengapa harus kau rendahkan martabatmu?
Mengapa harus kau jual harga dirimu?
Mengapa kau biarkan dirimu dijadikan santapan mata seorang Adam?

Wahai wanita,
Sedarlah.
Lahirnya kita bukan suatu kesalahan.
Lahirnya kita sebagai perjuang.
Lahirnya kita untuk membangun bangsa dan negara.
Di tangan kita terciptanya suatu bangsa yang kuat.
Di tangan kita lahirnya seorang khalifah yang agung.
Di tangan kita lahirnya sebuah masyarakat yang hebat.
Kerana ianya lahir dari didikan kita dari dalam rahim.
Kerana ianya lahir dari didikan kita dari dalam buaian.
Kerana ianya lahir dari didikan kita di madrasah baiti.

I just want them

I just want both of them to be healthy and see me graduating, attend my convocation, get married to a man that they trust the most and  hold my kids in their arms.

I just want them to witness my happiness.

I just want them to keep pray for my success.

I just want them to walk on the path that they struggling created since the past 24 years.

I just want to be their daughter.

I just want everyone see them in me.

I just want them. The most precious gift given by Allah. My angels, my guardians, my strength, my pillar of supports after Allah and Rasulullah.

I just want them.