This is for you, Mom. I love you.

Each days, when i was tired at the end of the day with classes, bedside teaching, running all over the wards searching for patients to be clerk for bedside teaching, waiting for procedure,  i really want to talk to someone. Some day, i pick up my phone, searching for my Mom's phone number and about to call her when i suddenly realized that she's no longer with us.

In each difficult day, i really want to talk to her. But, i knew that i can't. 

In the past 7 years being a way from home, stayed in hostel, i will called her almost everyday. Talked non-stop, telling her everything that happened on that day.

Someday, i really want to call her and talk to her saying, "Mak, susah la belajaq medic", "Mak, penatnya hari ni", "Mak, hari ni masuk OT, tengok orang bersalin", "Mak, tadi ada doktor marah", "Mak, tadi ada kelas. Doktor cakap macam ni, macam tu", "Mak, tadi cheq keluaq makan dengan kawan, nampak baju cantik. Tak beli pun. Ni rasa rugi pulak. Nanti nak p cari la", "Mak, nanti cheq nak exam. Mak doakan eh. Takutlah lah nak exam. Banyak lagi tak study." "Mak, exam tadi susah lah. Tak tau lah macam mana result nanti" and others.

When i passed the exam, she was happier more than i am. When i cried as i did fail, she's the one that said to me, "Takpa lah. Takdak rezeki. Usaha lagi. Nanti ALLAH bagi ganjaran lagi baik." 

She always smile no matter what happened to her. But, since she sick, about 1 month before she leaved us, i never see her smile anymore. I rarely can talk to her. But, she always said to me even when she was in pain, "Kakak belajaq elok-elok. Belajaq rajin-rajin. Jangan pikiaq pasai Mak. Balik kolej, belajaq. Mak takpa."

In the past 5 years, when i was decided to do Medicine, by her will, she's the one that support me. Even when i tired of study, even when i found that it difficult for me, even when i failed my exam. She never doubted me, never scolded me, never disappointed with me and never argue what i'm doing. She trusted me so much. She listened to all my complained. She always comforted me when i was down when i'm not doing well in exam.

With exam just in 3 months time, she leaved me. Because ALLAH had said so. She is my strength, she is my pillar of support, she is my motivation, she is the one that made me stand in this 5 years. She really want to see me graduating, be a doctor, treat her, and success.  

For you Mom, i really wanna you to be here now. I want to talk to you again. I want to see you again. I want to go home with the feeling of 'going home'. I want you. I want to hug you and say "Mak, cheq sayang Mak. Nanti Mak mai amik cheq bila cheq habis belajaq. Nanti Mak mai tengok cheq konvo."

p/s: With ALLAH will, i had been here. ALLAH had chose me to be here. And, surely, i am here because of ALLAH and evrything that i did because of ALLAH. My Mom, is another reason for me to keep standing in this world. And, of course because of my Dad too.