Things that run in my head.

I am a final year Medical student of UiTM. It was not my choice neither my decision to be in this faculty but ALLAH had put me into this. And, surely, HE has a reason for it.

It was very difficult for me. And, life was really terrible back then. I was totally in messy. I had be rebelled few times, failed few times, asked to change into another course and etc. But, all had been rejected. And, my family really insisted me to be a DOCTOR, something that I had back when I was a child and teenager. And, I still be actually. I found that life was unfair, life had treated me badly and life is miserable. I really hate it.

In the first 2 years, I had been struggle with lectures, tutorials, laboratory sessions, exams and life as medical student. I had put 200% concentration but I still couldn't make it. I was really frustrated, sad, feeling hopeless and useless. I had talked to my brother, my mother and my family. But they just don't understand me. My family didn't give me the support that I wish for. They just asked me to be in this field and be a DOCTOR. Such a difficult thing to do. I am their hope and they really want me to make it into a DOCTOR. 

I feel lonely. I really want to do things that I wish to do. I had a lots of wishlist. But, I couldn't achieve none of them. 

Sometimes, I do feel hopeless. I still rebel. Sometimes, I still crying. Sometimes, I still feel stress. But, each time, I had nobody with me. I want to talk to my family, but I knew that I can't. I want to talk to my friends or best friend, but I knew that they wouldn't be a good listener as I don't have so many of close friends. I want to talk to somebody, but I had none. I only had ALLAH.

Today, I am a final year student. I still believe in doing something I wish for. I just can't accept the fact that I will be a HO next year, InsyaALLAH. I can't believe that I had walk this far. I just can't believe in what I'm doing. And, I still feel that I know nothing about Medicine and thinking of "Will I be a good doctor?", "Will I be a safe doctor?", "Can I save life?", "Am I competence to be a doctor?" and lots more. I am afraid with the fact that I am a final year medical student. I felt that I might not be a good doctor.

Being a final year student, the pressure is higher. I do feel being push. The study had pressure me to the extend that I can't bear it anymore. I love weekend so much because that's the only time that I could free myself from medical things. 

I'm not writing this with the purpose of whining. It just my thought and my feeling.